so im back. and theres alot going on. and its been like those days where
you tell yourself "i should buy a journal, i need to start writing again" and then you never do, and you dont think about it again until the next time you cry.
well ive been crying alot.

family

im not happy. My uncle rick has cancer, and he doesnt have much longer left. Id love to say that he had a huge impact in my life, but he doesnt. Not direct impact anyways. Hes my moms brother and she just left this morning to go see him in Georgia [we live in NY]. I hate to see my mom upset and this has been killing her. Shes going down to say goodbye to him and we told her to stay as long as she needed, but we're not sure when shes going to be coming back. When i see my mom upset, i feel bad because she does so much for me, and there isnt much i can do for her anymore.

So a little while ago, my brother got out of jail [for the third time...] and hes in rehab or whatever but theres no denying it, hes got a drinking problem. I went to my friend tims house, and was going to go to my boyfriend james' house next, but had to stop home just to check on him. I saw him lying in the middle of the road. He was drunk off his ass and couldnt figure out how to light a smoke.
We decided to sit outside because he refused to come inside with me. We talked outside for an hour and a half, and i just felt like the roles were switched. I was taking care of him, and twenty-one year old. And im seventeen. I should have these responsibilities, but i do. I had to look out for him and coax him into staying outside until he sobered up, knowing he wouldnt come inside with me. We talked about life and how he was screwing his up and he told me never to go down the road hes down now. He told me he worries about me, becuase IM the one whos going to end up just like him. that really hurt because i feel like Im doing pretty well for myself. I have a job, Im taking care of myself, and him when i need to. After talking and crying i finally told him he could smoke in Katies room and we would put in a movie. Of course i had to clean up the beer he left downstairs and everything, but it was allright. and He got up in Katies room and I came up about five minutes later and he had no idea who i was. i had to convince him i was his sister, and then, he thought i was KATIE. [my unidentical twin sister] so i just went along with it.
He passed out within another five minutes and had no idea what happened or how he ended up in katies room when he woke up in the morning.

sometimes i just feel like i have alot of things to carry on my shoulders, and i would much rather deal with MY problems, MY responsibilities, MY relationships, but i get dumped with everyone elses' shit because apparently im the one who can take it.

i also got into a car accident, on the 14th. Im fine, i hurt my shoulder and theres glass in my head (they wont take it out..i dont know why...) but anyways, the morning he woke up from our long night talk when he was wasted ect....he had to go to some rehab thing where they test him for drugs or whatever and he used my accident as an excuse to get out of it. he said "emily needs me right now, she JUST got into an accident and we were taling about it last night, she would feel better about it if i was home now, i need to be there for her". Of course when i had gotten in the accident he was in JAIL. awesome, right?

relationships

So we can talk about my relationship issues now i guess...its my fault, i know it is, it always is. I just...never see james anymore. i mean i do, but only for a few hours at night or something, not enough to where i can be happy. I work on the weekdays in the mornings, and he works with dave landscaping on the weekdays, and on the weekends he has two more jobs at different resturants, i feel like i dont see him. I dont want to blame him, because he has three jobs and i have one, but i guess when i try to talk to him about it i make it seem like its his fault. I think its an insecurity thing i have, i dont want things to be my fault because i dont want people to be mad at me, and i think thats normal. I dont mean to make it sound like its his fault, but its hard for me to admit that im wrong. And lately, i just seem to put him into a bad mood and i really want to see him happier. Our seven month is coming up and ill have to see how things are going to workout after that. Im happy when im with him and i like who i am when im with him, which is great, and i hope he feels the same about me.

everything else

things with my dad have gotten better i suppose. If you cant remember i was kicked out, but he has welcomed me back. Its really, really hard for me though. Ive been gone for SO long, almost a year and im really comfortable at my moms house, I can do what i want -within reason- and have everything i own here, which is really, really nice. I dont know why i cant get over myself and go over there. Its like im a stranger there and my dad says i ran away from my problems but i didnt, i was KICKED out. i dont know, i think i may go back there today just to stop by.

I've been having to pay for my horseback riding alot too. My dads job isnt something that pays like...every two weeks, i dont know how to explain it but we dont always have money to spend. So im working off my horses board [his keep at the barn i have him at] so my dad doesnt have to pay for it, and i have to pay for lessons, which i hardly take anymore, which is allright i guess but it would be easier if there was a steady flow of money and he could have the things he deserved.

I think thats all. theres more i have to say but im very tired and i have to go paint and everything and thanks for reading. Ill probably add more later.

x the end